the inevitable

my grandma is in hospital again in intensive care.... she has a large build up of fluid around her heart.... shes sick.... she told one of my aunts she didnt want to come back from hospital this time.... my dad and his brothers and sister were all rung on friday to make a decission regarding DNR orders and they all greed that it was best just to let her go.... i know thats what she would want but it still hurts thet they would just stand there and let her go i know it selfish to think that but she my grandma and even though im 23 i dont feel like ive had enough time with her.... i want more time.... i want to go and see here but no one will let me.... last time she was sick i was staying with friends 5 hours away from her and i wanted to go see her but everyone kept saying "no remember her how she was last time u seen her" nobody realises how much it would have hurt me if she hadnt made it and i was that close and hadnt gone and seen her.... my dad wont fly up and see her cos hes still scared from seeing his dad really sick before he died and that his choice but isnt it my choice if i want to see her.... they all say but you'll be so hurt if she doesn't know who you are and i know i will be but atleast ill be able to say i got to say goodbye to her doesnt that mean more.... and the family is pissing me off they are being so petty they were fighting over who would write the obituary and i said i would but no one listens to me then someone couldnt visit her today cos they had bowls on today.... for f**ks sake its your mother.... im so hurt and angry i wish i lived closer so i could go sit with her even if she didnt know who i was even if she dident know i was there.... someone should be with her....

ive always known that she would die eventually ive always been very concious of death but know that its happening its so so different to what i expected.... now i feel like im just waiting for her to die and i dont like that feeling it feels wrong